Editor's Note:  At my personal request, Orchid has very generously given us permission to republish these Diaries in Faezine direct from Enchanted Folk, first posted in Autumn 07.  To catch up with previous Diary entries including a full introduction, please see Faezine Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter issues 2009 - Please note that some content may be considered controversial...

Presenting the Diaries of The Faerie Queen Orchid Lament - Recap.

For all my new friends and everybody who may stumble upon this blog and think that this all doesn't make any sense this is a recap of the Story thus far...

Orchid Lament is a man who thinks he's turning into a Faerie Queen called Orchid Lament. The challenge of not only transitioning gender, but also species, has proved to be al lot harder than one might imagine. So Far, Orchid has lost her job, been committed to a psych ward and his wife has divorced her. She put herself into a coma in attempt to fly, and her daughter thinks her daddy is not only extremely embarrassing but also completely nuts... Believe it or not this is a fantasy comedy. Granted, a weird twisted sometimes-psychotic fantasy comedy, for some reason I find stuff like this funny.

In Orchid's world the outsiders, the geeks, the street people and the lost are the true Fae. She sees magic in others and imagines them a thousand different species. Where does the character of Orchid Lament leave off, and the creator of Orchid begin? I'll let you decide but I'll give you a hint. I am a lot more insane than any character I've ever created. So I hope you like it, and I appreciate you reading this.

See you on the Dreamscape.

Carpe Noctum

Orchid

 

...Deeper in the Dreamscape, Day 218

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."  Sage wisdom of the prophet Groucho Marks

Dear Diary,

I heard someone in the Darkness. A sibilant whisper, "What are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?"

I looked around as best I could in the absolute blackness, which was in point of fact, not at all. "What are you?" I inquired back.

"Hmmmmmm, good question," The rasping breath said next to my ear, and the hair under my wig stood up. "Give me a name and that's who I'll be. I'm pretty easy that way."

"Okay, I'm going to call you the Answer Man. The man who has all the answers."

The whisper was right in front of my face. "Okay, I can work with that. What do you want to know?"

"How do I get out of here?" I asked, proud of the way I was handling this whole Alice in Wonderland hippie trip I was on.

"Depends on which way you want to go." You can go Sane, or Insane?"

"Which do you recommend?"

I recommend Insane." A lot more interesting. The people who choose the sane path are like the folks in the non-smoking side of the room, you know, kind of dull and boring. Never faced their own mortality..."

"Okay, I'll take insane then." The last thing I wanted was to be dull and boring.

"Great! Hold on!" The voice said and the floor dropped out from under me. I went sliding through the blackness at what felt like a very massive deceleration trauma friendly speed!

There were flashes of light and I caught glimpses of faces in the dark and strange distorted Tupperware containers full of wiggling Gelatinous things. All the time I'm picking up velocity, and all I could do was provide the soundtrack to this scene.

It sounded like this,

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

The endless slide began to turn upwards and I was greatly relieved because it meant that I was going to be slowing down. But in fact I started to gain even more velocity and the light got brighter and brighter and I saw that I was hurtling towards a very hard rock ceiling held up by scaffolding and flimsy boards lashed together with bailing wire.

There was a workman on the scaffolding who yelled at me as I flew past. "You need to wear a hardhat if you are in a construction zone."

He threw a hardhat in my direction but it was too late, I missed it, and I crashed through the ceiling and into the blue sky. Then I came down and hit the ground with a very solid and heartfelt...

'Thud!'

I sighed my relief that nothing was injured, and hugged the ground.

'Wonk!' The hardhat hit me on the head.

"That was a very dramatic entrance." A sultry voice said, standing above me.

"Nice shoes." I said, and my eyes followed a leg up and it led to the most beautiful woman I think I have ever seen in my life.

"Uh, Hi." I said, sitting up and wrestling my tiara back into place and out of my eyes. "I know you from somewhere don't I?"

"You tell me?" She smiled a really dazzling smile that made me wonder who did her dental work. "This is your dream."

"Yeah okay then, I know! You're the Goddess that I dreamt about. A few months ago, right? " You told me you had a mission for me, right? Then the next day... Poof! I'm a faerie?"

The Goddess nodded, "Hee hee! Yup, that was me. How's that working out for you?"

I was angry. "Look at me! How do you think it's working out?"

The Goddess shrugged, "Well, I imagine it's been met with a mixed reaction. But you do look just cute as hell."

I smiled weakly, "I do look fabulous, don't I?"

The Goddess looked amused, "Don't you like being a Faerie Queen? "

I was conflicted, "Well um... See that's the messed up thing about this whole shtick. I do like it. I love it, but..."

The Goddess began to walk away through the trees, that I swear weren't there a moment before. "All I did was take what you are on the inside, and put it on the outside. I did you a huge favour. Most people never get turned inside out, and sooner or later it just eats them up."

I nodded," Yeah, well I can see that. Thanks."

The Goddess turned and faced me, and she seemed really, really tall. "But I didn't do it just to be nice. I did it for a reason. You have a job you have to do for me."

"Ummm, yeah, about that. Why did you do it?"

"I need you to find the Magic that was Lost... and put it back in the world."

" Uh huh. Okay?" I said, "Do you remember where you lost it?"

The Goddess ignored me and carried on. "All the wonderful magical things in this world are gone. And without magic all there is are people, and Humans are such a self-destructive species. If you don't bring the magic back, that will be the end... of everything... forever."

"That sounds bad."

"It is bad. You have to find the magical things, and you have to awaken the magic in the pretenders. And you have to do it before the magic is lost forever. Which will be very, very soon."

"How soon?" I asked

" Like, say, two weeks tops. Midnight on All Hallows Eve. "

"Do you have any idea where I can start?"

"I can do better than that little faerie. I can show you."

"Great."

The Goddess pointed, "Turn around."

I turned around and behind me was a fabulous palace, or was it a gigantic tree? Or maybe a palace tree house with towers, windows and battlements in the branches, and the tree itself made of stone masonry? It was spectacular and impossible, and I was pretty sure I had never seen anything like it on the Travel Channel.

"Whoa, that's cool," I said in awe. "So... um no problem. I'll be right back." I made to step towards the castle and the ground shook violently.

The Goddess started to fade away. "Let Namby Pamby be your guide. And be careful little Faerie Queen. For every Queen, there is a King."

"Huh, what, who? Namby Pamby? I don't get it." The Goddess was gone. "Damn!"

I took another step towards the palace and the ground shook more violently and trees toppled around me. I tried running towards the palace tree. And that's when the ground around me began to crumble, and I fell. The palace was rising up on a huge mound of earth...

I began to slide down the hill. And the mound grew and grew, and the palace rose up into the air. The mound swelled and I clung to the root of a tree. And the ground rose and cracked, and rocks and trees fell away, until finally I joined the debris.

The mound tore free of the ground and rose up into the sky and I fell through empty space. The mound wasn't a mound at all. It was a giant Demon-like creature swollen with gas. Like a Giant balloon with the castle tree growing out of its back.

Then the bloated Demon let loose with an epic flatulence out its hindquarters. The gas ignited, and the palace tree demon thing shot away towards the horizon in a fiery streak of flame and surreal ness. And then I woke up.

I clambered out of my cardboard box and ran over to the box Mathias was sleeping in. "Mathias, wake up!"

Mathias stuck his head out the box and said, "Uh, huh?"

"Mathias, I had the most messed up dream."

Mathias added, "Yeah."

"Look, I don't know what it is, but I've got to find Namby Pamby."

"Yeah, cool." Mathias mumbled trying to sneak back off to lalaland.

"Did you hear me? Namby Pamby. I've got to find Namby Pamby, whatever the heck that is."

Mathias turned over, "I heard you. We'll find them after I get some more sleep."

"Them?"

"Sure, everybody knows Namby and Pamby They're famous in the street scene. Almost as crazy as you are. Now, go to sleep."

"Yeah... um, okay..."

What a trip...

 

To be continued...

 

(First Days of Orchid's Video Diaries are featured on the Enchanted Folk Homepage, enjoy)

By Orchid Lament

The Greatest Faerie Tale Never Told  &  Orchid Lament's Diaries

"As a person and an artist I think what I truly am, is a person who fell off the reality bus a long time ago. Not necessarily by choice, but simply because I don’t think there ever was a seat on the bus for me to begin with. Left handed, right brained, sexually deviant, morally challenged, and complexly ruled by a fevered imagination that allows no mundane thought action or deed to intrude in my spiral into the Faerie Realm.

I’m all about the fabulous the beautiful the strange the Wyrd and the Phantasmagorical.

I believe and I know that I have spent most of my life in the presence of the Fine Faerie Fae. WE get along They borrow my stuff and they drive me Insane. Insane in a good way. I’m the one that gave up fighting it entirely. From my early childhood when all I wanted to do was run away and join a Drag show. To today, where I have run away and joined the Drag show, I realize that my path has been just wee bit different than folks I meet on a day-to-day basis.

I’m caught up in the wonder and the beauty and the sheer fabulous of what’s going on behind the scenes that keeps this wonderful universe hurling further into the unknown and close to the speed of Light. I finally believe that my goals and the goals of the universe are finally in sync. Expand, spin and fly outward with no fear of what we might run into, I can't see the line between dreams and science. Fact and fantasy. I can’t see the lines between faiths and beliefs.

It all just happens for me and I follow my muse. Painting, sculpting, writing and performing for her and your entertainment. I don’t know, maybe it is not a degree from some prestigious art school, but it is my life such as it is.

I can no more not be The Faerie Queen Orchid Lament and all that might mean than a Republican could stop being a greedy killjoy jerk. I follow my nature. And I’m all about inviting you to do the same. Finally yes it is true I really do know that I’m truly a faerie. Hence the title.

Still working on the sustained flight, but give me time.

Carpe Noctum"

Orchid has been a member of Enchanted Folk since September 2007

members.enchantedfolk.com/orchidlament